Are You Ready For The Sex Bots?

"Once they invent the Sexaroid, that's it for marriage" — Cliff Spears

Whither the Droid? The personal servant/buddy/crapworker robot was a staple of the Wonderful World Of Tomorrow that we kids of the '60s were sold back in the olden days. That world turned out to be a BIG FAT LIE — and no part of it more so than the foretold robot pal. I can live withot my rocket belt and flying car, but, dammit, why didn't I get the robo-butler I was promised?

It's not due to any lack of effort on the part of industry. The factories are full of fine, upstanding robots that pay their taxes and love their families. The military has lots of cool robots, too, some of which can kill terrorists in exciting ways. And of course there are the uninspiring-but-functional robot probes that NASA sends into space instead of using a MAN to do a MAN'S JOB — but I digress. Anyway, companies have been trying to market personal robots to middle-class consumers for years, but so far all have failed to catch on. It seems that no one wants to pay thousands of dollars for an instantly-obsolescent, mechanico-electronic serf when a real serf can be had much more cheaply from Mexico or one of those rinky-dink Central American countries. Neither is technology the show-stopper. While it's true that the technology of home robotics has not advanced at the pace once expected, the low operating cost and easy disposability of tiny Mayan maids have been the real roadblocks that have kept R2-D2 from becoming a reality in the US.

Will we ever have buddy robots of the kind seen in sci-fi? My guess is "no" — because there is no market for a robot of that sort. I predict that when better droids are built, we'll skip the clunky, metal-and-plastic Star Wars model and go straight to building Chobits — sexy girl robots that combine the functions of girlfriend and all-in-one digital device. Let's face it — no one wants another G.D. computer around the house; the damned things make life miserable enough as it is. Only winsome, obedient androids with which the Average Joe/Jane can have sex will bring in the big bucks. The first company to combine the functions of a PDA / palmtop / phone with the charm (and body) of a soft, sweet-natured, long-haired girl (and the functionality of a Hibernate/Mute button!) will have created the ultimate "killer app" — and one that will destroy the twin institutions of marriage and prostitution forever. Move aside, June Cleaver! Begone, Pretty Woman! Lo, the Sexaroid approacheth!

Will we ever see the dawn of the age of the Sex Bot? No one knows, but it is certain that, should that day ever come, confessionals from coast to coast will be sporting long lines of sheepish penitents. Until then, however, we are left with the cold comfort of Japanese big-breast videos on YouTube and the gallery of failed robotmakers past at megadroid.com.

Are you ready for the sex bots? Ready or not, here they come! As Criswell once said: "God help us... in the future".